Jesus got a hold of me in way that felt like a sucker punch. Here's why...
I gave away my clothes.
Yup.
I gave away my clothes.
I have reduced my closet by 80% and climbing.
The day that I did this I gave myself a nice little Christian pat on the back. I thought, 'Man, I'm so great. I am such a good giver. Look at me. Sacrificing and such. Go Emily.' I know you're applauding me as well, and I could write you a blog post about how big a gift I gave, and how warm and fuzzy it made me feel, and how much Jesus likes me because I'm just such a great giver.
Then a week passed.
And another one.
And as I was sitting in church a few weeks ago, I saw someone wearing one of my dresses. I was reaching up to pat myself on the back when I felt the truth hit me instead: her life was not any different because she was wearing my dress. The miserable home life she faces every day when she wakes up, the fear, the pain, loneliness that I can only imagine she must feel... my dress didn't help any of that.
That thought broke me.
And I have felt a clear impression on my heart ever since: You have nothing to offer - I AM the only one who can truly restore.
What a humbling thought.
And if you think humbling means something gentle and meek and realizing your smallness in the world - that's not what I mean.
I felt as if I had been knocked off my tower, brought to nothing. All the things I treasure look like dust. Because in the end I cannot save anyone. I - can't- save-anyone. No matter how great I think I am, or how much I give away. The only thing- the only thing- I have of value is the truth about my Savior.
We've been discussing money on Sunday mornings at my church, and Mark made the argument that money is meant to be used as a tool - not an idol. Shouldn't that be true of everything I own? Of everything I give away? Couldn't a dress be how someone knows the love of Jesus?
But only if I use it correctly.
If I instead chose to pat myself on the back, write a blog about how giving I am and then head up a charity for the rest of my life - it will be useless. It will mean nothing. It is dust.
But I know this Jesus, and there is nothing he cannot heal, there is nothing he cannot restore, there is nothing in this world that he has not defeated. That is the hope I carry, that is the only gift of worth I can give - the good news of my Jesus.
This is what we learned this month:
- We are not that awesome, and we really started out thinking we were really awesome, so imagine the shock.
- Jesus doesn't care about my clothes, he cares about my heart. If I gave away everything I had and still believed that I was the one helping people, it would be for nothing.
- We serve Yahweh, and he is our hope. We have something to give that will never wear out, that you cannot outgrow - we have living water that never runs dry.
I don't know what to tell you about your life and the things that you have, or the things that you value. I am only telling you that I don't care about mine so much anymore. I'm letting go. More everyday. And I'm only telling you this so that you start to wonder why, because the answer to that is Jesus. Because I want you to have my Jesus too. Because He is the way, the truth and the life. And nothing else can heal us.
- Emily
