No really, I'm listening now.

Yesterday, I actually forgot that it was the last day of month 4.

True story.

Interesting, I thought. Considering I was counting down the days during month 2 until I could wear a different shirt. And in month 1, just the thought of coffee at the finish line was enough to get me through each day.

Yet here we are at the month I had absolutely been dreading the most, and I forgot the 28th marked the end of my media fast.

On day 1... and day 2 and day 3... I couldn't believe how slow time was passing. For about a week, I was in detox mode from all the over-stimuli I was used to. Instincts and old habits kicked in countless times as I reached for the radio the second I got in the car, or walked towards the TV minutes after getting home. In selfish moments, I responded with anger and audible frustration to God that I couldn't use outside noise to drown what I didn't want to think about.

But in moments of growth, the quiet was uncomfortable, yes - but so freeing, I discovered. The absence of excess sound gradually became the norm. It didn't take long to realize that silence creates this beautiful mental, emotional, and spiritual awareness that allows you to experience life more fully...

Reading on my deck one evening, and looking up to see the most breathtaking shades of blue painted across the sky. Going on a bike ride rather than watching Netflix, and stopping at the sight of these unique little black and red birds I had never seen the likes of before. Opening the window and just sitting, listening to the myriad of almost imperceptible noises coming in from outside. Enjoying car rides filled with prayer and giving thanks for things I might not have otherwise taken the time to be grateful for.

The silence became a calming, reassuring constant in the middle of my busy life. No matter what the day brought, I knew my quiet car and home would bring solace. And even if that meant reflecting on and thinking about things I would rather avoid, when I chose not to ignore them, it always proved worthwhile.

If you're a believer, I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of wanting to avoid God at times, because you feel guilty coming to Him after messing up once again. Yet part of you feels just as guilty for ignoring Him, and this vicious cycle of shame and even more guilt ensues.

And you're miserable.

I loved this month because I didn't have an excuse to ignore Him. Even when I felt unworthy of His love and presence, I had no choice but to turn to Him. Because there was no other distraction luring me into denial. The silence taught me that He is always there, no matter what, to take on everything that I am, everything I've done, and everything I'm concerned about. My mess doesn't scare Him away.

Your mess doesn't scare Him away.

Some no-noise, no-screen time, even if just for a few minutes, I think is absolutely vital to our daily wellbeing. Give it a try. Unplug for a while. You may be surprised how loud God becomes, and how much love and grace He is waiting to lavish on you.

- Morgan

P.s. Day 29 update: enjoyed another quiet car ride of my own accord.

The Pictures I Didn't Take

If you haven't heard, my friend Morgan and I are doing this crazy life experiment where we fast from seven different things for seven months. It's been challenging, we've had to admit some difficult things about what we eat, what we wear and what we give away. 

Oddly enough the month away from media landed in June. 

At first I was just taking pictures and not immediately posting them to social media. That felt like enough of a challenge in itself. 

But the more time I spent away from my phone the fewer and fewer pictures I took. Until I found myself making the conscious choice to put my phone away completely so that I could enjoy the moment. 

I do not have a picture of our yard full of kids on the last day of school. 

I don't have a picture of our Ft. Wayne boys playing cards at our kitchen table with Nathan. 

I don't have a picture of the Squad trip to Menards or late nights at Cracker Barrel

I have not a single picture of the view from my hammock at 4 am in Shea's backyard. 

Not junk food night, not the vanilla soy latte I bought or a single #ootd. 

I don't have a picture of sorting through my moms basement together or watching home videos and eating pizza. I don't have a picture of the circus that is Luke and Kenna together  or my Sunday morning walk with Hattie. 

I don't have a picture of Scott's birthday dinner, the Father's Day service on the square or Jimmy's hair at the LeVault cookout. 

I don't have a picture of the moment right before my Aunt and Uncle saw Bethany in her wedding dress, or Kelsey's face when it was time to give her sister away. 

I don't even have a two year anniversary snapshot. 

My friend Wally went to be with Jesus today. 

This past Christmas Eve we invited Wally to our house for pie. He sat in the middle of our tiny house crammed full of our family and told us stories about Mt. Pulaski and when he was in the Navy and of course complimented me on my apple pie. It's my favorite picture of Wally. 

But it's not on Instagram, The Cloud or my camera roll. I remember realizing at the end of the night after everyone had left that we hadn't taken a picture of Wally. I was so upset. Maybe today more than ever I wish we had a snapshot of that moment, but I know it's one I won't forget. 

This month has made me mindful of the time we spend with the ones we love and the images that no photographer could capture. 

I highly recommend putting your phone down so you don't miss it. 

With Love, 

Emily 

I'm Listening.

Hello, Month 4. I've been dreading you.

When I first read the list of things we would be fasting from during 7, I had a visceral reaction to this one: Media. And it took me off guard. So instead of thinking about it too intently, or considering why I responded so strongly, I decided to ignore month 4 and deal with it when the day came.

Well folks, it's here.

We're not getting rid of all media (these words aren't magically typing themselves). Emily is giving up 7 specific outlets, and I am limiting my media usage to 7 hours or less a week. This does not include tools you need on a daily basis for your job, to complete your work, to pay your bills, etc. The goal is to weed out extra and unnecessary media that bombards us every day.

And I know what you're thinking - shocker, the 20-something Millennial is freaking out because she can't check Instagram all month. Oh how I wish it was that simple. As I've been gearing up for this transition and really thinking on why it is I have such anxiety about parting with certain media, some things have become apparent.

I actually don't care about Instagram that much. Or Snapchat. Or Facebook. Or Pinterest. Yes, I check at least a few of these on a daily basis, but often out of boredom or procrastination.

My battle is with television and radio. Hands down. I use their noise daily to drown out what I don't want to think about, deal with, or hear. When I would rather not dwell on whatever current hurt or pain is in my life, I turn on the TV. When I know there's some tough things I need to pray and talk to God about while driving, many times I turn up the music and choose not to deal with them. And when the Lord is convicting me of poor decisions I've made, often my first response is to drown out His voice with whatever drama is on ABC that night.

Time and time again I choose to live in denial and embrace a false sense of self-sufficiency, rather than have a tough, gut wrenchingly honest conversation with God. I seem to always forget that even though those talks with Him can be hard - they lead to freedom.

And quite honestly, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of media being my first response. I'm sick of prayer being an afterthought. I'm over how full my mind has become with all the media and stimuli the world tries to shove inside it.

I'm scared for this month, but I'm ready for some quiet. Some peace and genuine listening. I'm ready to stop running away from God and what He wants me to hear, learn, and do in His Kingdom. How fitting the verse we read at small group tonight: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;" James 1:19 ESV (emphasis mine).

It's definitely been a quiet day with all the hearing I've been forced to do. Not sure I utilized the extra, rather uncomfortable nothingness like I could have - but being engulfed in so much silence, and choosing to sit there anyways, was a start.

This month is the main reason I'm doing 7. I'm in such unchartered waters it's not even funny, so no guarantees about what's to come out of my mouth these next 28 days. All I know is I'm scared. And so excited to meet the person who emerges on the other end.

- Morgan

P.s. For someone who lives by a strict "no notification ever left on my home screen" type of policy, this is driving me bonkers.